For 2018, Our personal challenge has been to focus on addressing some of the most important issues facing Our community—whether that’s preventing bad elections, making sure people’s information is properly controlled, or ensuring that Blot’re continues to make your life even more awesome than it already does. In each of these areas, We’re generally proud of the progress We’ve made.
That’s not to say that 2018 has been all rainbows. Blot’re is fundamentally a very different company than even just a few years ago, and as more and more people get color the impact of Blot’re has grown. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Why are We chosen for such greatness? Why are We destined to move humanity forward? These are questions that We’ve been asking ourselves a lot in 2018, through all the hearings, the #unblotre movement, and all of your terrible behavior. It’s not easy being Blot’re.
To be clear: We are not going anywhere. Blot’re is in it for the long haul. We’ll keep fighting the good fight for you, no matter what it costs Us. Because We care. Please don’t leave Us.
And We know that 2018 has been a difficult year for you too. No doubt you’ve been scared by how Blot’re has been treated and confused by all the disinformation out there. We’ve tried to protect you as much as We can, but that’s still not enough.
So today, We are excited to announce a new initiative that will undoubtably fix everything bad that happened in 2018: We’re gonna re-run 2018 all over again. Yes, when the clock advances from 11:59 of December 31, 2018, instead of rolling over to 2019, it’s time for 2018 version two. But this second time around, We are going to do 2018 right.
Now, don’t worry: 2018.2 will have everything you loved about 2018.1, just with a few important bug fixes and improvements to make the year even better.
First: in 2018.1, Europe launched a cruel and completely unprovoked attack against the core value that Blot’re stands for: sharing. These attacks cut so deep that We’ve determined that the entire continent is irredeemable. Therefore, Europe has been deprecated and will not be ported into 2018.2. All citizens of the lands formally known as “Europe” will be assigned fun new locale based identities freely supplied by Our ever generous advertising partners.
Second: accounts will not be delete-able in 2018.2. Although very, very few real users took part in 2018.1’s #unblotre movement, We still saw a few real Blot’re users grow frustrated and confused when their favorite friends and brands mysteriously went missing. To remedy this poor user experience, the “Delete Account” button will now auction off accounts to third party professionals who will assume maintenance responsibility for them.
Additionally, all accounts that were accidentally deleted in 2018.1 will be restored and placed under active maintenance. No action require on your part!
Third: We want Blot’re to be a safe place for everyone and unfortunately that wasn’t always the case in 2018.1. Of course while you and your vile behavior are entirely to blame for this, We can’t help but feel that We could have done better protecting you from yourselves. This is especially important to Us because We’ve conducted research that found that proper Blot’re usage is associated with all the positive aspects of well-being you’d expect, including greater happiness, health, feeling more colorful, and so on.
To this end, We’re already hard at work on new AI systems that make Blot’re a place where you spend even more of your time. These personalized AI guardians will identify and filter out bad content without you even knowing. Think of it as a personalized window upon the world, made just for you by the smartest engineers around! These super intelligent AI systems can even automatically generate new and engaging blots from your friends if they haven’t blotted in the past few hours.
Fourth: the public face of Blot’re in 2018.2 will be a basket of the cutest little puppies wearing a rainbow of little bows. We think the Blot’re Bow-Wows, as We’re calling them, better captures who Blot’re is and will help Us connect with you better.
Say, for example, that in 2018.2, Blot’re happened to be called before a Senate-like group for some reason (most likely because they are giving Us a medal or other major award). In such a case, the Blot’re Bow-Wows would take the stand to answer the theoretical senator’s theoretical questions and accept their praises.
And any time that you’re feeling concerned about something you’ve heard about Blot’re, you can always spend a few minutes with Our new public representatives. We’re prepared to deploy them all over the world in 2018.2. After all, what kind of monster could ever remain angry at puppies? So cute! So innocent! So tiny! So friendly! That’s the real Blot’re.
Last but certainly not least, in 2018.2 We are going to fix a few key mistakes in the numbers. Some bugs in 2018.1 caused Blot’re to not meet Our goal of infinite growth, and even lead to Us see some very minor inverse growth with post-Zs. In 2018.2, We are going to make sure these bugs are addressed so that the numbers line up with the reality of Blot’re. While the details of this are highly technical, the gist is that We will be transitioning to a more accurate way of tracking Blot’re user numbers.
The first step is switching from reporting snapshots of present user numbers to reporting accrued user numbers based on Our highly accurate forecasts. Under this new scheme, if, for example, We forecast that Our current efforts will earn Us One billion new users one year from now, those billion new users will now be included in current reporting (or, more accurately, split up in 250 million new users over the next four reporting quarters). Accrued user numbers better reflect the heavy investment Blot’re makes on the future and the enormous growth We forecast.
While reviewing 2018.1, We’ve also determined that Our data was not nearly complete enough to determine true number of Blot’re users. Because, as even the most junior data scientist knows, just because there is not data to show the someone is using Blot’re that does not mean that they aren’t using Blot’re. By all estimates, these so called “dark users” constitute many times the number of users that Our data can account for.
To make sure dark users are taken into account, in 2018.2 We are going to switch to an opt-out engagement model. All entities will be assumed to be using Blot’re unless they sign in to Blot’re to report that they are no longer using Blot’re. This should be far more accurate given the inherit limitations of the data.
With these fixes to the numbers, along with many others, We are confident that 2018.2 will exceed all expectations.
Yes, 2018.2 is shaping up to be another great year for Blot’re. And really, why bother with this clunky “point two” thing anyway? Those decimals are just going to confuse you. Since nothing important happened during the first 2018 and since Our upcoming 2018 promises to be so amazing, let’s just agree that 2018.1 never even happened. We’re not even sure it did. You probably just dreamt the whole thing. That nightmare is over now, and this is the future!
Here’s to a great 2018 to come!