No doubt you have been following the recent news. We know that you are scared and more than a little confused. Today We want to share an update with you explaining what happened and detail Our next steps to address this important issue. This is not going to be easy for Us. Just remember: We love you and will always be here for you. This is all for your own good.
What happened recently was a break of Blot’re’s trust. More importantly, it was a breach of the trust that We placed in you. We gave you Blot’re. We provide color to the world! We even agreed to let you send Us your data. And We took everything you sent Us, at no cost! We sorted it for you, kept it nicely archived, and sent it to be analyzed by some of the smartest and most important companies and countries in the world. And how do you repay us? You go and get influenced.
We started to suspect something was up back in 2016: purple’s sudden spike in popularity; the uncommonly high number of new users flashing a #f0f0f0. But We took it all in stride, even as We watched you start to tear yourselves apart. Because We were optimists at heart. We believed in humanity. We believed in You. Never in Our wildest dreams could We have imagined The Truth.
So We were as surprised as anybody when the news broke two weeks ago. Fake colors? Color supremacists? Election meddling? Impossible! That’s not the Blot’re We know.
Still, We had to make sure. So We locked Our best scientist in a room and set them loose. Using the revolutionary Blot’AI, they analyzed everything, including all the data you’ve been sending to Us over the years. And, a week later they finally emerged with an answer. No, they emerged with The Truth!
Look, there’s no easy way to say it, so We’re just going to come right out with it. The truth is: you are all horrible people. Just the worst. What is wrong with you?
The news had been correct. All of it, and then some. The data that you’d been sending Us—all those bytes and bits that We so trustingly stored and even forwarded on to our knowledgable yet ever so innocent advertising partners—revealed that you were all vile, self-centered wretches. Many of you even have quite unspeakable color fetishes. It was you who let those bad actors onto Blot’re. It was you who shared those fake colors. It was you who let yourselves get influenced and then go stumbling about the world voting and generally causing all sorts of trouble.
Our poor Zs were hit especially hard by these revelations. They had always been so optimistic, so dewey-eyed, so ready to change the world. That is, until then they saw how their elders—people they had looked up to—were using Blot’re. All We can say is, at least We have some really great crisis consolers.
And you didn’t just let Us at Blot’re down. We had always assured Our advertising partners that Blot’re was different. None of those riff-raff users you find on Big Social here. So when We finally had to break the news to them, they were just devastated. We watched the hope die in their eyes and the light go out in their little souls. You turned them from beautiful innocent children who delighted in the world into cynical adults who would hustle their own mothers.
Still, how can We stay mad at you? You know not what you do. And, in some strange way, We can’t help but feel responsible for not doing enough to proactively protect you from yourselves. Never again. Going forward, We want you to be able to sleep safe and secure knowing that big brother Blot’re will always be there.
To this end, We’ve already been taking action behind the scenes. And today, We also want to share with you a few of the next steps that We will be taking together to prevent this from ever happening again:
First, We will investigate all users found sharing fake data with Blot’re. If a user is found to be sharing fake or incomplete data with Blot’re, We will handle them swiftly and appropriately. We will also inform all of their friends and family about their fraudulent behavior, and publicly publish all of their data so that Our highly passionate community can learn pertinent details from it.
Second, after extensive study, Our researchers concluded that non-Blot’re social media platforms are the sole cause of everything bad in the world. To help protect you from these evil platforms, We will begin to restrict your use of any non-Blot’re social media. Unfortunately, going cold turkey is out of the question. Big Social has maliciously engineered its products to be highly addictive and sudden withdrawal could well prove fatal. To them, you are not a person; you are just a pair of eyeballs, just a collection of datapoints. They don’t care how much they hurt you so long as they keep you hooked.
So We have developed a plan to gradually ween you from all non-Blot’re social media. We will start by restricting you to three hours a day of Big Social’s so-called “apps”. Within a few weeks, We will have weened you down to a few minutes of legacy social media a day. Then, before you know it, you’ll be ready. At this point, you will hand over all of your non-Blot’re social media accounts and passwords to Us so that We can fight the good fight and reclaim your data for you.
Third, the responsibility for all this can’t just rest with Us. We need to make sure that you clearly understand your responsibility to Blot’re. And if you can’t handle your responsibility, then You don’t deserve Us.
Within the next month, you may begin seeing small loyalty popups while browsing Blot’re. These fun and engaging tests may test your knowledge of Blot’re, or they may ask you to provide some personal documents to Us—such as birth certificate or most recent tax returns—so that We can verify that it is really you. There’s no penalty for one incorrect answer. Fail two checks though, and your account will be flagged. Failing three initiates an immediate investigation.
We believe that these are the next steps—along with many others to be announced in the coming months—that We must take to continue to make Blot’re awesome. This is the future!
We want to thank You for continuing to believe in Our mission. We know that you are not perfect, but together We can work through this difficult situation to build a better, brighter, and more Blot’re world.
No need to thank Us. We know.