And We’re back!
Yes, despite all the rumors, Blot’re is doing better than ever and bringing the numbers like never before. We also have an amazing vision for the future of Blot’re to share with you today. Let’s just say: don’t be surprised when Grandma pops into your color graph soon.
A Word Between Friends
But before the business at hand, cuddle on in close to big ol’ brother Blot’re for a moment for a friendly, yet frank, discussion of truth.
There’s been a lot of disinformation circulating about Blot’re recently: from headlines claiming, “Agro-rebrand Tearing Blot’re Apart”; to pundits tossing around crazy terms like “Zexit” and all sorts of other intellectual jibber-jabber; to scandalous tell-alls of “Blot’re employees” recounting the most absurd of absurdities. There’s not a word of truth in any of it. We know that you would never fall for such foolishness, but Let’s just make sure there are no misunderstandings among Us friends, K?
You see, sometimes people say things that simply aren’t true. This is very bad, and We at Blot’re do not endorse such behavior, but that’s just the way the world is.
“Why would someone do this?” you ask, “How could anyone want to hurt dear Blot’re?” Oh, that We too could have remained so innocent, so childlike; to see the world forever through rainbow-colored goggles. But no! These attacks left Us older and wiser, if not a touch more cynical.
We used to believe that the tech industry was a meritocracy where the best ideas always win: Blot’re succeeds simply because We are the best, in terms of product, company, and as human beings. And, being the best, it’s Our sacred duty to be the best We can be. When We disrupt an industry or vanquish another competitor, We don’t feel sorry for ruffling a few feathers. They should thank Us for disrupting them! After all, when Blot’re wins, the technology revolution continues, the world becomes a more colorful place, and We all make progress.
So when the attacks on Blot’re started this past spring, We were baffled. Why would anyone want to hurt Us? It was all such nonsense that We hoped it would just fade away. But instead, the volume just kept increasing and increasing as the attacks grew nastier and nastier. Finally, determined to get to the bottom of things, We put Our best investigators on the case. They started unraveling things, a trail of fake accounts and money transfers that all led back to the same source: Big Social.
You see, Big Social is running scared. Blot’re has put them on the fast path to extinction, and they know they will lose in a fair fight. But Big Social doesn’t believe in fair fights. Unlike Us at Blot’re, Big Social’s only motivation is numbers and profits.
So, in a pathetic attempt to keep users locked into their decaying social networks, Big Social formulated a plan to sow fear and mistrust of agile disruptors like Blot’re. They exploited the uncertainty surrounding agro-rebrand, in order to present Blot’re as chaotic and dangerous. They sowed misinformation and fabricated stories to feed on the public’s naiveté and deepest insecurities.
That’s not to say that there haven’t been challenges over the last few months here at Blot’re. When We started agro-rebrand back in February, little could We have imagined where it would take Us. We’ve seen things. It changed them… But certainly, Blot’re never descended into some Lord of the Flies type scenario as Big Social would have you believe. How could We? It’s not like We were even on an island…
Big Social’s attacks made Us realize that beyond the idealistic, multi colored utopia of Blot’re, the world is actually a very gray and scary place, filled with nasty, dull-eyed little people who will stop at nothing to maintain their pitiful fiefdoms. Believe Us: don’t go out there! Stay here. Stay with us. Stay young. Forever.
Financial Results and User Numbers
To help facilitate transparency, we’ve made a few small, tiny, little changes to Our reporting this period. These should not effect you, the educated and knowledgable investor, but We want to keep every thing above board. Honesty and all that, remember?
Starting this quarter, we’ve decided to no longer use decimals. After all, when dealing with numbers in the tens of billions, what’s a few cents between friends? That’s a good sort of problem to have. We’ve also decided to stop using units. This gets you right to the important part of the data, the numbers. Why muddle up all those beautiful numbers with units and other cruft?
Although you let Us down last time, user growth picked up significantly in the last period. (You may also note, that starting this period, we’ve swapped the axes on these graphs to facilitate clarity.)
That slope is a thing of beauty; about as close to infinity as one can reasonably get!
On a slightly more grounded note, costs did somewhat exceed expectations this period. Last time, We optimistically forecast zero future costs, an admirable goal that We were unable to meet due to unforeseen and truly exceptional circumstances. Next period, We are confident that We will push Our operating costs well below zero.
On the flip side, revenue greatly exceeded expectations! We brought in over 1000000000000 in the last six months. That’s eleven zeros! but really, who’s counting? (We know that we are.) In the coming months, We have little doubt that We will be able to easily push those revenue numbers to twelve or even thirteen zeros using Our new reporting scheme. Amazing!
Back in February, it became clear that Our core market, millennials, were a generation on the decline. Blot’re had to adapt or die, and We knew We couldn’t well wait around for the terrorist consumers of tomorrow to show up. So We decided to position Blot’re as the premier network of Z-generation, with agro-reband and the Marre Tranquillis Venture. In retrospect, not everything went quite as expected.
Blot’re has always been about what’s next, about pushing the boundaries, about the future. But sometimes, the future pushes back. And as We pushed ever forward, We came to realize that the power of agrotising was more than even Blot’re could handle. But this also led to a revolutionary discovery.
Blot’re had been so busy targeting the 10% of people who actually matter, that We overlooked all the data the other 90% had been generating. We’d long assumed that no one would want these dirty old users and their filthy data, but research revealed these ninety percenters had somehow hoarded away fairly sizable sums of money, completely unnoticed by advertisers. So, like any good startup, We decided to pivot: Blot’re would go mainstream!
First off, who are these ninety percenters?
To understand the mainstream and their current perception of Blot’re, Our bravest anthropologists spent two harrowing months immersed in the strange, antediluvian backwater that is the mainstream. Here are their findings.
First off, globally almost eight-five percent of people recognize one or more of the colors that appear on Blot’re. Eighty-five percent! That’s like basically one hundred percent after rounding.
But We also found that many people have never used Blot’re, and many didn’t even understand what Blot’re is for. These simpletons thought Blot’re was some sort of hookup app, or only knew Blot’re as that “weird thing my kids do”. Even worse, many people don’t understand Blot’re culture. They harbor silly impressions that Blot’re is only for toaster obsessed millennials, or that Blot’re actively courts ISIS, or that Blot’re as a company holds itself above everyone else and even thinks that it is funny to insult people with unprintable profanities. So, starting today, We’re taking significant steps to make people understand what Blot’re is and why they need to be on Blot’re.
Like true homeopaths, We believe that the unique voice and value of Blot’re is best delivered through extensive dilution. We will make Blot’re a safe, friendly, and appealing space for everyone. Everyone is who makes Blot’re great. We love each and every one of you!
With the mainstreamening, We look forward to continuing to tell Our story, and tell your story for you too! We are always listening.
People who use Blot’re know it’s the best way to keep track of what is happening now. More than text, Blot’re is a network of people, ideas, and toasters. Our users simply love Blot’re, and integrate it into their lives in nearly limitless ways.
Blot’re doesn’t restrict you to text, pictures, or video, but uses color to losslessly express the entire range of human thought and emotion. Color is also dynamic. The same color can mean completely different things to different people, and countless subcultures on Blot’re use color in unique ways.
But Our researchers found that many nintey percenters just don’t get color. To them,
#800080 may as well be gibberish. How can We make them understand color? Even more broadly, how do We make even the most obscure subcultures on Blot’re accessible and open to everyone? Our answer: color translation.
Color translation turns colors into text. Simple. But in practice, translating color to text is a very difficult problem. Just consider all the factors that go into a color’s meaning: hue, saturation, context, lightness, history, user behavior, intention, feelings, and emotions. Changing just a single digit in a color can significantly effect its meaning too.
To enable accurate translations, we developed a revolutionary new artificial intelligence solution called ToastAi, that can accurately determine user intention from just a smattering of data. For example, just looking at how a user moves their mouse can tell us: age, gender, income, facial structure, desires, favorite music, life goals, and current thought patterns, all of which ToastAi takes into consideration when translating color. All that from just mouse movement! In production, ToastAi ingests thousands such data streams for every user, creating a model of human behavior that is more accurate than reality itself.
Color to text translation will get many new users engaging with Blot’re, but to get users blotting, We’re also planning to roll out text-to-color translations. Just enter some text and ToastAi will automatically translate it into the correct color. ToastAi can even see through conscious thought patterns to select the color the unconscious mind intended. And if entering text is still too intimidating for a user, they can simply click the “Blot for Me” button and let Blot’re handle the entire posting process for them. It’s as easy as RGB!
For Our advertising partners, We’re also planning to offer sponsored translations. This service allows advertisers to empower ToastAi with new, domain specific knowledge for the benefit of Blot’re users. Let’s say an artisanal bakery wanted to let Blot’re users know about their new, free range challah. They would simply rent
#996515, a lovely golden brown color, from Blot’re for a week or so, and provide a suggested translation of, “challah like that”. This suggested translation won’t be shown directly to users of course, but will effect the internal weighting of the ToastAi translation engine.
We plan on selling sponsored translations at a variety of sizes and strengths to fit the needs of any advertising campaign, big or small. And the best part is, because ToastAi is a black box system that can merely be influenced, not bought outright, purchasers of sponsored translations have zero disclosure obligation. We also plan on offering the unique power of text to color translation and the “Blot for Me” button to Our advertising partners sometime later this year.
Today, We’re also excited to offer you a sneak-preview of a revolutionary new product from B-lab: Memo’res.
Blot’re has always been about what’s now and what’s next and to hell with the past. But research revealed that focusing on the now makes ninety-percenters extremely anxious. They worry that they might miss something important if they fail to constant monitor Blot’re, and a surprising number of them even seem to enjoy the past. Memo’res addresses all these concerns by tackling the past as only Blot’re can.
While other social networks treat the past as little more than a dusty old library, Memo’res makes the past the present. Simply tap a button to quite literally travel through time to view the status of the color graph at any point in history. Now you can go back and find that stunning blot your friend posted yesterday, rewatch last month’s big news spread across Blot’re, or just see what you’re favorite celebrity blotted while you were sleeping. The past is the present with Memo’res.
But the past is not just readonly! With Memo’res, you can overwrite old blots, post new updates, or even create and delete entire streams from any point in time. These updates are indistinguishable from original events, and all updates to the past are immediately reflected for all Blot’re users.
Keeping the past up to date can be a lot of work, so, to take some of the pressure off Our users, We plan to offer Promoted Memo’res. Promoted Memo’res are updates to the past authored by Our advertising partners for the benefit of, and on behalf of, Our users.
Let’s say a company purchases ten Promoted Memo’res from Blot’re. Each Promoted Memo’re entitles them to alter the status of any stream at any point in the past (the past being defined as anytime over ten milliseconds ago.) The company could use a Promoted Memo’re to correct a negative blot that a user mistakenly made about a product, or save a user time by inserting a new blot to promote a product that the user has been enjoying, all without bothering the user at all! Memo’res and color translation opens up a whole new world for advertisers.
Going forward, We also plan to extend Memo’res to the future by leveraging ToastAi to determine what users will post. For a small additional fee, advertising partners will also be able to help maintain the future using Promoted Memo’res.
Blot’re be Blot’re
Miserable little cynics may see the mainstreamening as a “sell out”, but that’s a terrible, nasty term that is not at all accurate: We are simply exchanging Our core values for a bit more
#00ff00. What’s wrong with a little more color in the world, especially color of that particular shade of green? This is the future!
Yes, with the mainstreamening, Blot’re is not so much changing for the masses, but rather changing the masses for Blot’re. It’s a Blot’re world out there, people just don’t know it yet.