Good morning and thank you for joining Us today. Even as the tech industry has entered a period of unprecedented volatility, Blot’re has continued to grow briskly. There have been a few minor growing pains, but it’s nothing to worry about! Every challenge is really a new opportunity, and We’re confident that Blot’re will continue to deliver impressive results.
We’ll start today by reviewing the Blot’re user numbers. Although the raw numbers are slightly less than forecast, We’re not worried; We never wanted those extra users to begin with! Blot’re is a niche product for people who actually matter, and Our highly selective user base is only going to be more important going forward. To that end, We plan to really double down on Our core businesses, and We’re working hard on a company wide rebranding that should help Blot’re better appeal to a promising new market.
As always, it’s an exciting time here at Blot’re, so let’s get started.
We set some extremely aggressive growth targets last July, and, although Blot’re continues to experience industry leading growth, We have not been able to meet some of Our projections.
These targets called for an infinite user growth rate, which We approached last quarter, but were not able to reach.
But really, it’s not like We wanted more users to begin with. Unlike some social networks, Blot’re doesn’t take just any old riffraff in some pathetic grab at relevancy (*cough* Facebook). No, Blot’re will always be a niche product, one used by the ten percent of people who actually matter.
We continue to see strong adoption from Our legacy user base (millennials), although Our researchers have detected a few early signs that we’ve reached peak-millennial. Additionally, despite a direct appeal and lots of initial interest, We’re seeing slower than expected uptake of Blot’re among terrorists. Twitter’s recent crackdown on ISIS may help push the group to Blot’re, but a number of other tech companies have taken note of this market opportunity and We’re no longer the only platform courting the terrorist consumers of tomorrow.
To ensure the continuing relevancy of Blot’re, We’ve identified an exciting new demographic and plan on aggressively pursuing them this quarter. We’re bringing talent from across the company together to refine and redefine the core Blot’re experience. To this end, teams working on moonshot projects, such as the Blot’Car and Project Blot’AR, have been repurposed and the projects have been put on hold for now.
Look, We may have missed Our projections, but it’s not like that’s Our fault. We’ve done more than Our part here at Blot’re, but the company is not immune to larger economic and social changes. Global market volatility, the strong dollar, and uncertainty in the tech sector all negatively impacted Blot’re last quarter. But mostly, it’s your fault. Fuck you! (more on this in a moment)
But so much with the past. We forgive you.
The future is what matters, and Our projections for the coming year are simply amazing! Assuming that there are no further expenses, Blot’re should just about break even in Q3. And after that, it’s all profits. Expect some big numbers in Q4. We’re not counting all the zeros just yet, but let’s just say We’re talking eleven figures or more here. That’s a whole lot of #00ff00.
An Exciting New Market
Our social scientists have done the math, and there’s no getting around it: millennials are a generation on the decline.
We’ve already hit peak-millennial. There’s never going to be any more of them.
So while Big Social mainstreams itself into oblivion, leaning on aging and increasingly irrelevant millennials who already have one foot in the grave, We have a better idea. Enter, what We call, the Mare Tranquillitatis Venture (aka the M.T.V.)
The M.T.V is going to revolutionize Blot’re. Instead of tying Blot’re to a single generation or embracing the unwashed masses of humanity, We’re going to continuously reinvent Ourselves to embrace the future, while simultaneously casting aside the detritus of the past. This strategy will ensure a continuous supply of new users, and will keep Blot’re relevant forever, and ever, and ever…
So step aside millennials! you’re already dead to Us – and bring on Gen-Z!
Bring on the Z
Blot’re understands Gen-Z because We are Gen-Zers Ourselves. While Our millennial forebears were into toasters, Our’s is the toaster oven generation.
We still love toasting and all things toasted of course, but the toaster itself is just so conventional and restrictive. A toaster takes only fixed sized slices of bread, and prudishly only allows toasting two pieces at a time. But not all breads want to be sliced, or even come in loaves! What about bagels or muffins or naan? Our generation accepts them all. And can not these too be toasted?
The toaster oven does not limit itself to certain sizes or shapes of bread, but accepts all comers. That’s why Gen-Z is the toaster oven generation. How else can you explain the appeal of Bernie Broilmaster Sanders in this year’s United States presidential campaign? His “Feel the Burn” movement has really resonated with toast enthusiasts and energized Gen-Zers. At massive rallies across the United States, it’s not uncommon to see thousands of young people, many not even of voting age, hoisting toaster ovens over their heads while Senator Sanders speaks.
Therefore, We intend to make Blot’re the world’s premier IoTo (internet of toaster ovens) social communications platform. This is going to be a simply massive market, one that will eventually cannibalize even the traditional IoT.
We want to make Blot’re synonymous with the IoTo in the hearts and minds of Gen-Z, and get them hooked up to the color graph as young as possible. All the infrastructure and technology is already in place. Now it’s just a matter of letting Gen-Z know who Blot’re is, and We plan on letting them know in a big way.
Blot’re is Gen-Z, but how do We let them know this? Reaching millennials was comparatively easy: a little plaid, a story about authentic people making authentic things, a dash of bokeh, and you’re golden. Not so with Z.
This is a generation who desires authenticity even more than millennials, but can see through corporate fakery and branding bullshit a mile away. They grew up on the internet, so advertising and product placement are just part of the background noise.
So We brought together all of Our smartest and most Z workers, and they came up with a brilliant new branding strategy that will almost certainly revolutionize the industry. We call it: agrotising (pronounced: agro-tie-sing).
Agrotisting says, “We don’t need you. We don’t want you. In fact, fuck you!” (That last bit is Our new company slogan actually). We’re done pretending to be your friend. Agrotisting assaults your senses and attacks your mind. It’s in your face. It’s attention grabbing. It’s authentic. And Gen-Zers love it.
Over the past few months, Blot’re has been going through a company wide agro-re-brand. Nothing has been off limits. Our designers have really embraced the power of agrotisting, and are using it to reimagined Blot’re for Gen-Z. While We’re not quite ready to reveal everything just yet, here’s a special peek at the new Blot’re logo.
Notice the fullbright, clashing colors; the jarring intersection of patterns and shapes; and the selection of Comic Sans for the company slogan. All hallmarks of agrotising 1.0. Some of Our prototype logos even flash at a rate that triggers epileptic seizures. Talk about engagement! Agrotising is just one way We plan to cement Blot’re as the premier network of Z generation.
Early trials of agrotising have been so promising, that We believe other companies will want to get in on the action after seeing Our success. We plan on partnering with a few major brands this quarter to develop and deliver agrotisement campaigns on the Blot’re platform. This is just another way Blot’re intends to differentiate itself for advertisers: not only are all the cool kids on Blot’re, but We give you the tools to reach them most effectively.
And We’ve only scratched the surface so far. The future of agrotising is hyper personalized and hyper invasive. To this end, the old Blot’AR team is already exploring the potential of agrotising in augmented reality. This is the future!
Blot’re will be a year old in May. A year! Over that time, Blot’re has really had an incredible impact and made the world a much more colorful place. You’re welcome! How about keeping up your end next time too, OK world?
But Blot’re is never content to rest on past success. With the Mare Tranquillitatis Venture, We’re really going all-in on the future. Gen-Z is sure to love Blot’re, and We’ve got some great strategies to reach them. We are the future. And there is no future but what Blot’re makes.