After recent world events and all the hate this week, We at Blot’re feel something must be said. Our company mission has always been to create a more colorful world, and We want Blot’re to be a safe place where diversity and individuality are celebrated. It doesn’t matter if you’re
#E8CDA8, to Us, you’re all just beautiful little data points.
People all over the world use Blot’re everyday to get color, and it has taken Us time to come to terms with this great responsibility. We used to think of ourselves as lowly programmers, but, as Blot’re has grown, people increasingly look to Us for answers, for hope, for salvation. And what do We know about the world’s problems? Quite a lot actually! It is Our parental duty to protect Our users, both on Blot’re and in the real world. We love each and every one of you. Don’t ever leave Us…
So imagine how upset We’ve been by all the hate that’s been directed against one group of people recently. The Legacy Media has engaged in a dangerous campaign of depersonalization, presenting this group as others who are the, “very embodiment of evil.” Populist politicians have proposed restricting their freedoms and even blocking them from entering the United States. Even Big social has tried to suppress this group’s basic freedom of speech. We’re talking of course about ISIS.
Look. Blot’re does not endorse or support terrorism, but, if terrorists are good for business, who are We to judge? Data be data after all, and We would be remiss to turn away any users, especially users from such a promising demographic. More users are always good for Blot’re, and what’s good for Blot’re is good for you too.
Perhaps you are confused. Perhaps you are angry. Let Us explain Our position from a business perspective, using language that hopefully you will be able to understand.
Terrorists are the New Millennials
Our advertising partners have spoken and their message is clear: terrorists are the new millennials. Your modern terrorist has plenty of disposable income, is a digital native, and strongly desires authentic, meaningful experiences. Sound familiar? Oh, and they are incredibly insecure too, constantly seeking praise and attention for their bravado. Advertisers love insecurity.
Furthermore, what better fanboy than the humble terrorist? They will literally blow themselves up to defend a brand. Now that’s user engagement for you. And did millennials ever go around torturing and executing people who did not support their taste in fashion? Not that We’ve heard.
So it’s no wonder that advertisers are salivating. The target consumer of 2016 won’t be Megan the millennial mom – who’s quirky-chic tastes help her balance work, friends, and family, all while uploading a stream-of-consciousness to social media – but rather Jihad Jill, struggling to express her individuality while living in a sleeper cell, and who wants a suicide vest that is both empowering and ecologically sustainable. And with ISIS on the move and new terrorist groups popping up world wide everyday, the terrorist truly is the consumer of tomorrow.
We at Blot’re recognize this trend and want to get out ahead of the curve. Big Social has been acting reflexively, leaving Blot’re uniquely positioned to corner the market. As hackers, We understand the terrorist because We have so much in common with them: We too are agile disruptors of legacy systems, We too are lovable underdogs fighting to invent the future, and We too hope to conquer the world. Plus, terrorists are toats into toasters and all things toasted, so they will fit right in for sure.
No one is quite sure how best to engage the terrorist consumer just yet, but, once marketers adapt, We’ll have plenty of juicy data to sell them.
Now, before you go all witch hunt on Us, let Us assure you that Blot’re does not discriminate. At Blot’re, We welcome all terrorists, big and small: from your religious zealot to your ultranationalist nutter, from your leftist guerrilla to your lone-wolf anarchist. A user is a user is a user.
Don’t worry! Old Big Brother Blot’re still loves you millennials just as much as ever. After all, the terrorist will be a niche market for at least the next few years, and supporting both groups does not have to be mutually exclusive. In fact, terrorists are also great drivers of millennial user engagement.
Big Social puts on a good show of cracking down on ISIS, “Now you play nice, you little rascals”, they scold. But the truth is, they are not even trying. And why would they? Terrorist activities consistently drive the largest spikes in user activity year after year, prompting old users to login again and inspiring hundreds of thousands of new users to sign up. Hell, terrorist attacks are the only way Twitter manages to scrape together their pitiful user numbers each quarter.
We see similar usage spikes on Blot’re during attacks. Our users can’t wait around to get their news through text or photos, they want the latest, most up to date status on the situation in an easily comprehensible form. That’s what Blot’re offers. But just imagine how much more engaging Blot’re could be if you could interact with the perpetuators of these attacks directly! ISIS would be all like
#000000 and then all
#ff0000, and you would be all like
#0000ff, and the next day everyone would be all
#ffffff to show their solidarity. (We meanwhile would be counting all the
Even better, numerous studies have shown that acts of terror actually drive consumer activity. People watch hostages being beheaded and think, “You know, I really could use a new hat. I wonder if Amazon’s got any sales going on?” Or, while watching a new attack unfold on Twitter, users just happen to click on conveniently placed ads for bespoke survival kits.
No, all in all, advertisers grow almost as giddy as a CNN newscaster at the words, “mass casualty”, or, “unidentified gunmen”.
All are Welcome
You may be thinking, “Yo Blot’re, this all sounds nice and good, but what’s stodgy old Director Comey gonna say about this?” Pshaw! We are defending freedom of speech. We are standing up for the little guy. We are fighting for the constitution. Is this not the entrepreneurial spirit? Is this not Our fiduciary duty? It’s all for you. And if We just happen to make a few extra dollars on the side, is this not a just reward for such a great sacrifice?
Yes, courting terrorists is the right move for Blot’re. It make sense from a business perspective, plus it results in a better experience for you too. This is the future.
So ISIS, oh ISIS! Come on over to Blot’re, and get your color-phate on!